CONSPIRACY #8: John Wilkes Booth was NOT a Southern sympathizer. Instead, Booth was a notorious anti-hat activist. His troubles with hats first came when he was performing on stage and lost his line after seeing the glare of the stage lights off a top hat in the audience. Booth’s performance was critically panned. When Booth saw Lincoln win the presidency, all he saw was top hats continuing to mock him. In secret, he gathered about a small following of other anti-hat activists, and quietly planned his revenge. Unfortunately, the assassination led to Lincoln being immortalized as the nation’s greatest president: top hats had the last laugh.
ABOVE: Booth, seen here attending a clandestine anti-hat society meeting.
CONSPIRACY #7: The Founding Fathers did NOT draw a map on the Declaration of Independence. Instead they drew…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
MEGA-CONSPIRACY #1: During the civil war with the KMT in the late 1940s, Mao Zedong realized that he would be a major target for assassination. In order to keep a low profile, he took on the codename “General Tso”. While using this guise, Mao developed a chicken recipe that was both nutritious and delicious in order to feed the troops, a recipe today known only as “General Tso’s Chicken”.
To further complicate matters, a young American by the name of Harland Sanders was present in the Communist ranks, inspired to fight for the cause. Though lacking proficiency of the Chinese language, he rose through the ranks to eventually become a Colonel, and became a member of Mao’s entourage in 1948. He was present to witness Mao working on a top secret chicken recipe that was even more potent than “General Tso’s Chicken”. Unfortunately, Colonel Sanders was wounded in action, and returned to America due to his wounds. He later went on to capitalize on Mao’s forgotten project, creating KFC. Fearing an association with communism would hurt his business, Sanders never revealed his secret.
Throughout the years, the Chinese authorities never forgot about the secret recipe, and struck a deal with the Colonel’s company to bring the recipe back to its homeland in exchange for keeping the origin of it a secret. It is no coincidence that KFC is one of the top fast food chains in modern China.
TOP: Mao spreads his famous General Tso’s recipe to locals.
BELOW: The Colonel enjoying the life Mao gave to him.
CONSPIRACY #6: H.M. Stanley NEVER found the famous Dr. David Livingstone in Africa. Delirious from lack of food and water, Stanley stumbled upon a tribal village and merely presumed he found Dr. Livingstone in the wilderness. What he actually found was an African child. His party, not wanting to embarrass their fearless leader or risk funding for future excursions, decided to play along, as did Livingstone’s family. Stanley lived out his days truly believing he met Livingstone, while the African child eventually inherited the Livingstone family fortune.
ABOVE: H.M. Stanley with “Dr. Livingstone”
CONSPIRACY #5: Mother Teresa was ACTUALLY an American undercover agent working to prevent the Soviets from spreading their influence in India. Her work with the poor provided the perfect cover for slipping messages out to the US, and she succeeded in preventing India from becoming a hotspot during the Cold War. The US, grateful for her work, used their influence with the Vatican to get her beatified.
ABOVE: Mother Teresa sending a message to US handlers via dove.
CONSPIRACY #4: Nikola Tesla built Wardenclyffe Tower not to try to transmit energy, but to house his time machine. The unusual structure supported Tesla’s top secret plans, and facilitated his travel forward in time from the year 1915 to a date that has not yet been reached. Thomas Edison, aware of the exploits of his rival, had the facility blown up in 1917 to prevent Tesla from returning, and hired a doppelganger to impersonate the scientist. Under Edison’s direction, this doppelganger acted more and more insane over time until Tesla “died” in 1943, tarnishing his legacy.
CONSPIRACY #3: Al Gore DID, in fact, invent the internet. However, after seeing his creation lead to a business boom that increased pollution worldwide, Gore dedicated his life to saving Planet Earth to make up for his mistake.Gore has since released An Inconvenient Truth to combat the spawn he released upon the world.
CONSPIRACY #2: Grover Cleveland was NOT elected to the office of President twice. After his first term and subsequent loss to Benjamin Harrison, Cleveland tired of public life. However, his identical twin brother, Oscar, had political aspirations, and Grover allowed him to assume his identity in order to win the presidential election of 1892.
ABOVE: Oscar, posing as his brother
CONSPIRACY #1: President Taft was NOT fat. He originally wore a fat suit in order to make trusts and corporations underestimate his authority, and not challenge his election to the presidency. Realizing that he needed to keep up this guise while in the public eye, Taft popularized his image as an overweight president by spreading rumors of getting stuck in the Presidential bathtub.